Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
You Might Also Like
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
what’s really going on
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Thursday
The sacred texts.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.