If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?