My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
According to math, I’m broke
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.