[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done