I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.