Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.