We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid