Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Nomnomnomnom
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!