Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.