[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.