I…do not understand how electricity works.
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me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”