My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You Might Also Like
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull