You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Godspeed, John Glenn
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel