ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
You Might Also Like
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
best review i’ve ever seen
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”