Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
my mind
You just read my mind
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.