Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
how high up are we talkin’?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.