if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.