Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
That’s incredible! 👌
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.