[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
True freaking story!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.