Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.