There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.