E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
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most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!