Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
You Might Also Like
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Shower sex be like:
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Its true…
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing