WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I think my mom just blocked me
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who