“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
You Might Also Like
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
🤣🤣💀
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.