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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness