My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
bad news gang
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam