Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!