[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.