self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
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Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Herpes is trending, good job people
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Most fashion shows these days…
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.