Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Ugh but profoundly
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest