i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
sigh
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Cinematography is my passion
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?