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Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
ugh not again
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.