HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
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I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect