Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Weirdly Wednesday.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.