Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Saturday
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…