The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Nothing.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?