Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.