[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
🤣
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.