If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Very good news from my accountant
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
starting a garage orchestra
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.