When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You Might Also Like
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?