One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed