My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?