Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Art by Pastelkatto
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?