There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’