If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You Might Also Like
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this