I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My current situation
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Best spoiler warning ever