if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?