Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I enjoy a good short stor
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Now, where’s the sport in that?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*