ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”